I will write something that has been bothering me for some time now.
I will write something where I give you a piece of my thoughts and my feelings.
I will write something that you may find whiny or ridiculous.
Just to warn you.
It seems to me that everything in this life is about being beautiful. It’s awful. Everyone wants to look stunning. It’s like when you are beautiful you can act, sing dance, marry rich, don’t have to work etc. When you are beautiful life comes easy to you.
I know there is a Hollywood beauty, a photographer beauty etc. It just seems that everything I enjoy doing requires being beautiful.
I like watching movies and I really wanted to act. Since I am on the chubby side I probably would only be casted as a misfit, fat girl or I could get a lead role in a comedy, because chubby girls never play the lead role in a chick flick or any serious movie.
I love photography - taking pictures and once in a while modeling myself.
I know models are skinny as hell and that’s not the point here. It’s the beauty that everyone shows in this kind of retro photography and all these tumblr posts. It the beauty the feminine lady - the collarbones, the thin backs, the waist, the small feet, little hands, cute faces, freckles etc.
I hate the fact that I am not a petite, feminine girl. The only feminine about me is my boobs.
It hurts like hell to be told that you are a masculine girl. Hell, I don’t want to be fucking masculine. I want to be pretty and petite with small feet and a collarbone that could kill.
I have horrible feet from my goddamn dad. I want girly feet not something I got from my dad, no offense dad.
It just makes me so so so sad. I can never be the girl a guy wants because I’m not feminine like most girls. I know there are worse girls out there, but I will never date someone I want.
All people that have seemed to like me is guys I don’t want. Then I finally found someone I wanted and then well you can guess who well that turned out.
The society is sick. Deeply sick.
I also just read “The Picture of Dorian Gray” which talks about the importance of beauty.
FUCK BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE.
I’m fucking jealous.